The story you are about to read is absolutely true — so true that I haven't even bothered to change any names to protect the innocent (we're all guilty in this sordid little tale, so there are really no innocents to protect). What you read may shock, enrage, and confuse you and — when I get to the part about Barney — may even make you snort that two-buck-a-bottle "soft drink" laced with St. John's wort, ginseng, and taurine right out of your nose and onto your keyboard (a favor, really, if you're using one of those annoying split keyboards). In any case, don't say I didn't warn you.